


An Apology Worthy of a Friend

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Apologies, Gen, Missing Scene: At Midnight in Manhattan, actual healthy responses to being an asshole, self-care is understanding you have to take responsibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 13:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21180287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: We get two scenes of Amanda projecting her insecurities onto Sonny but no apologies? Fuck that. Here's the apology Sonny deserves to get and Amanda absolutely should give.





	An Apology Worthy of a Friend

"I'll walk the counselor out," Amanda says as Sonny gathers his files. She doesn't miss the way Fin and Liv both cut her a sharp look and how Sonny doesn't. She focuses on Sonny because that's where her focus needs to be. She wasn't shitty to Liv or Fin. She didn't accuse them of being stupid. She didn't take their olive branch of "Are we okay?" and throw it back at them like a spear. 

They're silent as they walk across the squadroom and get on the elevator. Amanda opens and closes her hands a few times as they both stare at the electronic read-out of the floors they're passing. When the doors open in the lobby, she follows Sonny outside. 

"I need to apologize," she says as they stand next to each other on the stairs fronting the station. "I was a real asshole."

Sonny takes a deep breath and stares up at the sky. "Yeah, you were," he says. 

Amanda takes her own deep breath, pushing down her instant defensive reaction of telling Sonny he doesn't have to be a dick about things. This isn't about Sonny. This is about her. About recognizing she slipped into unhealthy behavior and needs to admit fault and take responsibility.

"I am sorry for what I said to you about politicking and not caring. I'm sorry I said you were stupid for thinking I was happy for you. I lashed out at you because it's been a really fucking long weekend--and I don't mean that as an excuse. Just." She stops, not sure how to phrase it.

Sonny looks at her, his eyes bluer than the sky, even though they're bloodshot to hell from lack of sleep. "I'm listening," he says. 

Tension rolls off her like those two words absolve her. They don't, and she knows that, but so few people have ever listened, and Sonny has always been one of them. It makes it easier to line up her thoughts. "It was shitty of me to make you think you have to question if what I say to you is true. I am happy for you. I really, really am. You're working your ass off. And I thought I could handle you leaving, but this is the first time I've been up for three days since you left, and I didn't think about how you and I could keep each other going when we had days like this until it happened and you weren't here. 

"And it wasn't fair of me to cut you off when you gave me the chance to apologize earlier. When you asked if we were okay, and I threw that back at you, too. I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry. It's not your job to read between the lines and know if I'm bullshitting myself. That's my job, and I'm going to work really hard to make sure I don't talk like that to you again."

She knows she's tearing up, but she doesn't try to hide it. She wipes her eyes with the cuff of her shirt and gives Sonny a small, hopeful smile. "I already texted my therapist about this because I clearly need to do some more work. And I'm gonna do it because I don't ever want you to think that I'm manipulating you so you have to solve some fucking code to be my friend. You are my friend. You're my best fucking friend, and I'm sorry I lashed out at you and made the last few days even more stressful."

She's relieved when Sonny pulls her into a one-armed hug and kisses the top of her head. "I accept your apology," he says, "and I'm proud of you, Amanda. I'm really fucking proud of you seeing you fucked up and letting me know you see it and take responsibility for it. I knew you didn't mean anything when you said it, but I also couldn't just accept that you'd said it."

"I know," Amanda says softly, hugging him in return. "Thanks for being willing to let me apologize."

"You're welcome," Sonny replies. He squeezes her one more time, then lets go. "I gotta get to the courthouse and stay awake long enough to get through arraignment."

"You got this," Amanda tells him, feeling lighter than she has since even before she'd lashed out. She'd been feeling out of sorts and not communicating it for a couple of weeks. She takes her phone from her pocket so she can send that realization to her therapist as well. "I'm glad you got this chance, and I'm glad you've got our backs," she says to Sonny. "I'm happy for you. I'm really, really happy for you."

He gives her a broad grin and drops one more kiss on the top of her head. "Thanks, Amanda. I'll do my best in there."

"You'll do great," she says, and this time her tears aren't for her own behavior, they're from the overwhelming sense of pride she gets in watching Sonny walk away, back straight and swinging his briefcase, as he walks towards everything he's worked so hard for but not away from her. 

Not at all away from her.

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who survived a lot of Amanda Rollins's trauma, I can see her reactions to some things and go, "Oh, yeah, I see why you would do that." As someone who has sought help for overcoming my trauma and watches a show that claims to be about giving survivors a voice but rarely if ever shows them in therapy*, I get pissed off whenever the writers decide Amanda needs to be slotted in for being "touchy" or "emotional" but then never follow up with Amanda apologizing for her bullshit. 
> 
> Because Amanda tearing Sonny a new one was bullshit based entirely on her own issues and having nothing to do with Sonny. She said she was happy for him, and there was zero reason for him to NOT take her at her word. And if you think, "Oh, but Sonny should know she doesn't MEAN IT," please read up on manipulation techniques and understand how fucking unhealthy forcing people who care for you to decode your feelings actually is.
> 
> *Liv's therapist was fucking terrible.


End file.
